rory's birthday parties transcript |
Rory's Birthday Parties
Guest Starring:
Liz Torres - Miss Patty
Sally Struthers - Babette
Jared Padalecki - Dean
Liza Weil - Paris
Ted Rooney - Morey Dell
David Booth - Lars
Bridget Ann White - Mitzi
written by: Amy Sherman-Palladino
directed by: Sarah Pia Anderson
(Rory, Lorelai, and Emily are at Friday night dinner.)
EMILY: Tomorrow our lawyer, Joseph Stanford, is coming by.
LORELAI: Ugh. Crazy Sissy's dad.
EMILY: That's terrible. Sissy was a good friend of yours.
LORELAI: Mom, Sissy talked to her stuffed animals and they answered her.
RORY: Let's just start a new topic.
EMILY: Not possible!
LORELAI: She said a new topic, Mom.
EMILY: Everything's a joke. Everyone's a punch line.
LORELAI: OK, I'm sorry.
EMILY: My daughter -- Henny Youngman.
(Richard comes in late.)
RICHARD: Sorry for that. A little trouble with our China office. Well. What did I miss?
LORELAI: I was being impossible and then I turned into a Jewish comedian.
RICHARD: Ah. Well, continue.
EMILY: Thank you. Where was I?
RORY: Uh, Joseph Stanford is coming tomorrow.
EMILY: Yes. So, Rory, your grandfather and I thought it might be nice after dinner for you to go around the house and pick out what you'd like us to leave you in our wills.
RICHARD: Take a look at that desk in my office. It's a really fine Georgian piece.
LORELAI: Why don't I ever bring a tape recorder to these dinners?
RORY: Oh, well, anything you want to leave me is fine.
EMILY: Nonsense. You should have what you like. So look around and when you see something you like stick a post-it on it.
LORELAI: OK, you two have officially hit a new level of weird that even I marvel at.
EMILY: You can pick out things too, you know.
LORELAI: Oh, well now it's way less creepy.
EMILY: Did you hear that Richard? Apparently we're creepy.
RICHARD: Yes, well, live and learn.
(The maid comes in with a tray.)
RORY: Oh cool!
LORELAI: What's that?
EMILY: It's dessert.
LORELAI: It's pudding.
EMILY: Well if you knew what it was why did you ask?
LORELAI: You don't like pudding.
EMILY: Yes, but you like pudding.
LORELAI: Oh, I love pudding. I worship it. I have a bowl up on the mantel at home with the Virgin Mary, a glass of wine, and a dollar bill next to it.
RORY: I've never had pudding from a crystal bowl before.
EMILY You like the bowl?
RORY: Mmm.
EMILY: Put a post-it on it when you're done.
(Lorelai and Rory are putting post-its on on things in the living room.)
LORELAI: So what do we think of this?
RORY: Where would we put it?
LORELAI: I don't know. The Emily and Richard Gilmore Psycho Museum?
RORY: This is the strangest evening I've ever spent here.
EMILY: So, how's it going?
LORELAI: Great, just getting ready for the big day.
EMILY: Very nice.
LORELAI: So, um, it's getting late, Mom. Unless you've got some funeral plots for us to decorate we should really be going.
EMILY: Any special requests for dinner next week?
RORY: Oh, well --
LORELAI: Mom, I want to talk to you for a minute, and Rory, why don't you go say goodbye to Grandpa...
RORY: Very smooth.
(Rory leaves the room.)
EMILY: Should I sit down?
LORELAI: Yeah, but not there, OK? We got a post-it on that. We'd like to keep it nice.
EMILY: It must be very exhausting to be you.
LORELAI: Mom, Rory's birthday is next Friday.
EMILY: I know that.
LORELAI: So we were thinking that maybe we could push our dinner next week to Saturday.
EMILY: What are you going to do on Friday?
LORELAI: Oh I don't know.
EMILY: Well perfect. You'll come here and we'll have a little party.
LORELAI: I was just hoping we could do it another night.
EMILY: Well why come on another night when her birthday falls on the exact night that you do come here.
LORELAI: Saturday's a pretty good night, Mom.
EMILY: Not as good as Friday.
LORELAI: Pretty damn close.
EMILY: Not from where I'm standing.
LORELAI: Well, move then.
EMILY: I'm sorry. Friday nights are my nights. That's what we agreed on when you borrowed money for her school. The rules haven't changed.
LORELAI: Mom, I didn't intend for this loan to become a constant source of blackmail, OK? Now this is my kid's birthday and she will have her party at home on Friday and that's it? End of story.
(Cut to Rory and Lorelai sitting in the car.)
LORELAI: So, how would you like two parties this year?
RORY: You couldn't get her to cave.
LORELAI: No, but she did agree to make the string quartet to learn "Like A Virgin."
RORY: Well, you tried.
LORELAI: Sweetie, I promise, Saturday night we'll do it up right at home. A Stars Hollow extravaganza.
RORY: So, is this party Grandma's having going to be a big deal?
LORELAI: Not really. The government will close that day. Flags will fly at half-mast. Barbra Streisand will give her final concert...again.
RORY: Uh-huh.
LORELAI: Now, the Pope has previous plans, but he's trying to get out of them. However, Elvis and Jim Morrison are coming and they're bringing chips.
RORY: You ask a simple question...
(Cut to the inn. Lorelai is in the kitchen with Sookie.)
SOOKIE: Mini orange biscuits with honey-mustard ham and cheddar cheese.
LORELAI: Yum.
SOOKIE: Angel wings with dipping sauce.
LORELAI: Good, good.
SOOKIE: Oh, did you bring me the picture?
LORELAI: Oh, yes.
SOOKIE: Too bad you couldn't get your mom to relinquish Friday night.
LORELAI: No, she has her Vulcan death grip on that one.
SOOKIE: Not that surprising though.
LORELAI: Emily Gilmore -- you could set your watch by her. Oh, you know what she did do last night?
SOOKIE: Wore jeans?
LORELAI: Served pudding.
SOOKIE: I was close!
LORELAI: I mean, I'm sure it was some expensive form of pudding, but nonetheless, it was pudding!
SOOKIE: That is amazing.
LORELAI: Right. That would mean that she actually made a mental note that we liked pudding, which would mean that she actually listened to something other than the judgmental conga line going on in her head, and got over the fact that, to her, pudding is hospital food, and only acceptable when you've just had vital organ ripped out of your body.
SOOKIE: Wow, that's some journey she had to take there.
(Jackson rushes in.)
JACKSON: Open your mouth and close your eyes.
LORELAI: Who are you talking to?
JACKSON: Right, sorry. (goes to Sookie) Open your mouth and close your eyes.
SOOKIE: OK.
JACKSON: Now get ready for something truly amazing.
SOOKIE: Mmm!
JACKSON: Huh? Huh?
LORELAI: What is it?
SOOKIE: I don't know. It's like, um...
JACKSON: A what?
SOOKIE: It's like a berry, but way more exotic.
JACKSON: Yes! Good.
LORELAI: Jackson, have you been having reactions to your fertilizer fumes again?
JACKSON: For some time now I've been toying with cross-pollination. Finally I've got it. I figured out a way to cross a raspberry with a kumquat.
SOOKIE: Kumquat! That's what I taste! Are you serious? How did you do this?
LORELAI: You didn't build one of those machines like in "The Fly" did you? We're not going to find you wandering the streets wearing a raspberry head crying, "eat me!"
(Michel comes in and Jackson walks over to him.)
JACKSON You! You can make fun of me all you want to today, 'cause tday I am a god. Today, Mother Nature has bowed down to me.
MICHEL: How nice for her.
LORELAI: Michel, Jackson --
MICHEL: No need to fill me in. I'm quite happy being ignorant of whatever it is that is making him raise his arms over his head.
LORELAI: Do you need me?
MICHEL: The landscaper does.
LORELAI: Oh, hey, Rory's birthday party is Saturday night so start thinking up reasons why you can't come.
MICHEL: I'm going to be out of town.
LORELAI: Oh, you used that last year.
MICHEL: I'll work on it and get back to you
LORELAI: 7:00, presents mandatory.
MICHEL: Mm-hmm.
JACKSON: Rasquat?
(Cut to Lorelai's house. Rory is on the phone.)
LORELAI: Lucy, I'm home!
RORY: Kitchen.
LORELAI: 'And Justin is just so dreamy. He can't marry Britney, I'll just cry and cry and cry.'
RORY: (into the phone) OK, thanks. (hangs up phone) Pizza's on its way.
LORELAI: You're such a good provider. Hi.
RORY: I'm going to start my homework. Call me when the pizza guy gets here.
(Rory goes to her room. The phone rings.)
LORELAI: Hello?
EMILY: Lorelai, what is your work schedule?
LORELAI: Why?
EMILY: I want to go shopping.
LORELAI: With me?
EMILY: I think that goes without saying.
LORELAI: Only in your world, Mom.
EMILY: I want to get Rory a birthday present.
LORELAI: Well I'm sure whatever you get her, she'll love.
EMILY: Yes, but I want to get her something special, something she wants, something...that you would get her.
LORELAI: Oh, OK, fine. You can get her the bong then.
EMILY: This isn't funny. I hardly to see the girl and we only get to talk at dinner once a week and then it's all about school and Jane.
LORELAI: Lane, Mom.
EMILY: I thought you might let me into her secret club just this one time and help me buy her something for her birthday.
LORELAI: You're serious?
EMILY: According to you I'm always serious.
LORELAI: OK.
EMILY: OK?
LORELAI: OK.
EMILY: Well, good, I'll meet you at Damion's tomorrow at 3:00
LORELAI: OK.
EMILY: And dress appropriately --
LORELAI: Don't finish that sentence Mom.
EMILY: I'll see you tomorrow.
LORELAI: Thatagirl.
(Cut to Chilton. Rory is opening her locker.)
TRISTIN: Hey.
RORY: What, Tristin?
TRISTIN: I just wanted to say 'happy birthday.'
RORY: It's not my birthday.
TRISTIN: No, but it will be. (reading from a paper) 'On Friday at 4:03 in the morning, Lorelai Leigh --'
RORY: What is that?
(Rory takes the paper. It's an invitation to her birthday party, from Emily and Richard.)
RORY: Who else got these?
TRISTIN: I don't know. Everyone in our class, I think.
RORY I have to go.
TRISTIN: I'll see you Friday, birthday girl.
(Rory walks down the hall.)
LOUISE: That's her.
GIRL #2: My parents are making me go.
LOUISE: Another obligation party.
GIRL #2: My life stinks.
(Cut to a department store. Emily points to a hat.)
EMILY: Oh, isn't this lovely?
LORELAI: Oh, yeah. As soon as we have her crowned Queen of England we'll give it to her.
EMILY: You are so combative today.
LORELAI: Hatwear does that to me. Oh, Mom, look. This is good.
EMILY: What is that?
LORELAI: It's a purse shaped like a guitar. This is great.
EMILY: Great for what?
LORELAI: For Rory.
EMILY: What will Rory do with that?
LORELAI: She'll put stuff in it. Carry it around.
EMILY: In public?
LORELAI: Yeah.
EMILY: What will people think?
LORELAI: That she's an ax murder, of course.
EMILY: What about pearls?
LORELAI: Pearls?
EMILY A double string of pearls with a cashmere sweater set.
LORELAI: Mom, she's a young girl. Think of something young.
EMILY: A Mont Blanc pen?
LORELAI: To put on her desk at the law firm?
EMILY: She needs to write.
LORELAI: Well not with a $200 pen, she doesn't. Oh, hey, look. These day planners are adorable. You could get her one of those funky erasers with a mermaid on it. She'll love that.
EMILY: Please be serious, we're shopping for Rory.
LORELAI: No, Mom, I'm shopping for Rory. You're shopping for your imaginary granddaughter, Barbara Hutton.
EMILY: I want to get her something nice.
LORELAI: I know you do, but you're not listening to me.
EMILY: You wanted me to get her a Filofax and a mermaid eraser.
LORELAI: It's one suggestion
EMILY: Oh, yes, and there was a T-shirt with a Farrah Fawcett face.
LORELAI: A hero to many who aspire to the perfect feather fluff.
EMILY: Oh I don't know how to do this. Let's just go.
LORELAI: Oh, no, no. Come on, Mom. You do know how to do this. Think pudding.
EMILY: Pudding?
LORELAI: Come on. You asked for my help. You're reaching out. A little -- not a lot -- don't get freaked. But, Mom -- pudding.
EMILY: Why do you keep saying pudding?
LORELAI: Listen, just look around and pick up something she might like.
(Emily picks up a bracelet.)
EMILY: Here.
LORELAI: Oh, now that's really good.
EMILY: Really?
LORELAI: Absolutely.
EMILY: Doesn't look like something you could buy at a car wash?
LORELAI: Totally. That's half the charm.
EMILY: Oh, no, it's only $12.
LORELAI: Six dollars more than a car wash.
EMILY: Twelve dollars is not a present.
LORELAI: Twelve dollars is a perfect present, Mom. She'll love that.
EMILY: Can I at least get her the pashmina also?
(Lorelai shakes her head no.)
EMILY: Fine, I'll get it.
LORELAI: Good choice.
EMILY Oh! It lights up.
(Cut to Luke's. Lorelai walks in with a garment bag. She looks around the diner and takes a seat at the counter.)
LUKE: She's not here yet.
LORELAI: All right. You'll have to entertain me until she arrives. OK, Burger Boy, dance.
LUKE: Will you marry me?
LORELAI: What?
LUKE: Just looking for something to shut you up.
LORELAI: You better be nice to me or I'm not inviting you to Rory Gilmore's birthday celebration this Saturday night.
LUKE: You don't have to ask me, you know.
LORELAI: I know. But I would like you to come.
LUKE: Yeah?
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: OK, I'll see.
LORELAI: 7:00. Don't be late.
(Rory walks in with her head down.)
LORELAI: Wow. Nice face you got on there.
RORY: Coffee.
LORELAI: Bad day?
RORY: I've now used the word 'sucks' so much that it's lost all meaning to me.
LORELAI: Well maybe this will cheer you up.